A mindfulness approach involves an ability to see a situation clearly. If there is conflict, it involves approaching the “other” with curiosity, nonjudgment, beginners mind, and trust. The more one develops these skills, the more one can strengthen the ability to see and work with enemy images when they come up. Compassion for oneself is also central.
In our mindfulness courses we do a short aikido exercise that involves “blending.” George Leonard describes blending in aikido as moving toward the incoming problematic energy and, instead of resisting the energy, using the opponent’s energy and blending with it or redirecting it, not fighting against it.
Similarly, a mindfulness approach involves moving in close, making contact, directly engaging with one’s “opponent”, and from that place connecting with the humanity of the other person while maintaining touch with one’s own humanity.
This can require great courage and lots of practice. We all come up short at times. Our knee jerk reaction is often to “fight against” that which we don’t like or wish to change. Jon Kabat Zinn describes how “non-striving” can be an effective way to strengthen our skills.
Jon Kabat Zinn lists non-striving as one of seven attitudinal factors that he believes are major pillars of mindfulness practice. Here is what he says in his book Full Catastrophe Living about how to bring about change in this context.
“When we are learning a new skill, we usually have to apply a considerable amount of effort and try hard. Perhaps most things that we have learned or achieved in our lives have been the product of hard work and striving. Perhaps you have started to notice that in learning mindfulness techniques, trying hard can really get in the way and can create more tension and a sense of frustration.”
“There is something profoundly paradoxical about these practices – they are based on “non-doing”, and “non-striving”, free from expectations and goals. The effort involved is more relaxed, but there is still some applied effort. We often say that this effort needs to be “not too tight, and not too loose” – it is a bit like the balanced effort required in trying to catch a feather that is falling in front of us, and not like the effort required in balancing a page of figures.”
“The quality of non-striving is embedded in the quality of acceptance. If we are criticizing ourselves, we just pay attention to the judging mind; if we are experiencing pleasant sensations, we just pay attention to that. We do not strive to experience anything different from what we are feeling. We are not trying to get anywhere else, or to become anyone else. ”
“Gradually, with patience and regular practice, we will see ourselves moving closer towards our goals and intentions, but we will not get there by striving for them. The quality of non-striving is one of openness, of trusting in the process and of acceptance of whatever the present moment presents to us.”