What can I do?

I humbly propose using the following steps to help bring about change. This process is influenced by my mindfulness practice and my study of Nonviolent Communication.

Note, this is not about changing another person. It’s also not about changing feelings or thoughts.

In a paradoxical way, these steps are rooted in “non-doing”, and “non-striving”. They embody a quality of trusting in the process and acceptance of the present moment.

These steps may not happen in a linear fashion. You may cycle around in circles or multiple steps may happen concurrently.

Start by noticing places in your life where you feel change needs to occur and there is a lot of resistance. Start small and close to home. You would like things to change. The only way you can think to bring about change is through force or control.

You may notice thoughts like, “this is good and this other thing is bad. I need to fight against the bad to bring about the good”.
Eg.feelings of lack: I know I need to exercise more. I’m not doing it. I sure am lazy etc.
Eg. Frustration: I’m a teacher, trainer, health care worker, counselor, parent or manager. My students (clients, patients, workers, children) aren’t listening to me. I want to get them to do something different.
Eg. Anger: My boss is a really miserable person. If only she/he were different I could be happy.

When you see yourself tempted to use force or control, simply consider the possibility that there may be a more effective way to create change . Force or control may create change in the short term. Is it sustainable in the long term?

At this stage, it’s an open question if there is another way. Just let the possibility be there in your subconscious without thinking too much about it or trying to figure out what the alternative is.

There may be thoughts that force is the only way. Anything else is weak. Just notice the thoughts and keep the question open. Maybe force is necessary. If it’s a question of safety, eg. your child is running out into the road, force may definitely be necessary.

Before you try to change anything, it’s necessary to really be aware of the way it is right now.

It’s tempting to say, “I already know. It’s miserable.” I’m talking about something deeper. Bringing a sense of curiosity, friendliness to the whole situation. And especially nonjudgment. When you see yourself judging, use that as a sign to move back into really tuning into every minor nuance of exactly what’s happening in the situation. This may take some time. Be patient. You’re not trying to create change at this minute. You’re noticing everything that’s happening. This might include actions of yourself or others, and also thoughts, body sensations, emotions.

If you’re judging yourself, the judging itself may be getting in the way of really being able to see clearly what’s going on. Notice the judging and move back to noticing everything.

This step is not about analysis or storytelling. It’s tempting to psychoanalyze, label or diagnose. This step is about observing what’s actually happening (similar to how a video camera might capture it), not analyzing it.

Inherent in this step is standing still right in the middle of difficulties. It  means learning to tolerate unpleasant emotions or sensations and then moving in close rather than running away, avoiding or suppressing.

Let yourself form a clear vision of what it is you would like in this situation.

Let nonjudgmental awareness of your thoughts and feelings help you explore the question: What do I really care about, value, long for, or need at the deepest level?

If there is another person involved: What do you guess the other person really cares about, values, longs for, or needs at the deepest level?

Again, take time with this. Any emotions that come up, just be with them, and fully embrace them with nonjudgment, kindness and curiosity.

At this point skillful action may occur to you spontaneously, organically.

For example you may now be able to express empathy to your boss or your students or your children out of a deep place of having really connected with where they are, what they’re feeling or needing. Out of empathy may come a path forward that works for both of you.

You may be able to express your own needs in a clearer, deeper way rather than lashing out in anger or frustration.

You may have more compassion for yourself, may have connected with what you really value or need and may be better able to act out of that compassion.

You may realize that your initial form of action was just one possible strategy among many possibilities and that once you connected with what was happening on a deeper level other possibilities have emerged.

Reassess. Did the actions seem to flow almost effortlessly or is there still a sense of force or control? Ask for support as needed.

If the situation is not resolved or you still feel resistance, you have several options. Perhaps going back to earlier steps is necessary. Or perhaps there is some form of support you might wish to look for or ask for. You may need information from others with specific expertise you don’t have. However, if you find yourself psychoanalyzing either yourself or another, keep in mind the hypothesis that fighting against, including fighting against what happened in one’s childhood, may not be the most effective way to bring about sustainable change.

Perhaps the change you might wish to bring about is very large scale. Maybe the problem is not with one person or a few people but with a larger system. Perhaps systemic change is what’s needed. Use the same steps to see what’s possible. You may want to study methods that others have used and see if any of those methods might apply in your situation.

If change isn’t possible, perhaps you need to leave a particular job or particular situation.

Use general principles instead of holding on tight to any one method, tool, teacher or way of bringing about change. All methods have their strengths and weaknesses. Hold on tight only to general principles such as:

Fighting against or trying to control an “enemy” may not be the most effective way to bring about sustainable change.

Remember that even this principle is only an hypothesis to be explored.

Borrow from what others have done, study, join groups, all the while keeping in mind the general principle. Question what is happening when your actions or the actions of others aren’t in line with the general principle.